Welcome back to the main parking lot, Ken Johnson. It wouldn’t be right without you there.

Beyond that, let’s be honest: I’ve got nothing new to say you haven’t muttered to yourselves. So, I’m just going to re-direct you to this clip of Porky Pig cursing, which I’ve always found funny:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjbufsJQPaA

Actually, I will share one other thought: that Samsung commercial, with the “epic kiss,” might be about the most annoying, disturbing thing I’ve even been forced to watch during a Bills game…notwithstanding the Bills themselves.

Frustratedly yours, Phil

“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”
-Bluto, Animal House

As a public service: ladies and gentlemen, introducing Trent Edwards and the 2010 Buffalo Bills offensive line:

Yes, Bluto is onto something.

I joked to some friends several weeks ago that if the Bills do everything right – leverage their strong running backs, figure out a way to more effectively use Roscoe Parrish, concentrate on screens and short passes, all while periodically going deep to Lee Evans to keep defenses honest…there’s no reason they can’t score 6-10 points a game.

Well, maybe I was wrong, because they managed to score 10 against the Fish while doing all kinds of things wrong. But, it wasn’t pretty. So, to once again invoke Bluto (and, if you haven’t seen Animal House, you should), “Grab a beer. Don’t cost nothin.” Well, not “nothin,” but the McFadden’s and Calico Jack drink specials are as close as you’re going to get in Manhattan.

In that spirit, Five Things That Were Good this week:

1) The defense was strong. Happy to see Leodis McKelvin’s contributions.

2) Chan Gailey seems to be telling his guys he believes in them; hence, the decisions to play aggressively with seconds remaining in the first half, and to go for it on 4th and long in the fourth, leading to the Bills’ only TD. I’ll admit I was initially against each choice, but I definitely get the logic.

3) Freddy Jackson and Marshawn Lynch seem to have some chips on their shoulders, in a good way. That’ll put healthy pressure on CJ Spiller to produce. Personally, I think there’s room for all of them this year.

4) Luke Russert, son of Buffalo favorite son (and McFadden’s visitor) Tim Russert, tweeted a great photo from McFadden’s during the game.

5) The bars were PACKED, and the staff was great. OK, sure, we lost satellite reception on some screens at Calico Jack’s near the end of the game, but they fixed it ASAP.

Check out photos from our staff photographer, Mike Coniaris, on our website, https://www.nycbbb.com/pics/fins10a.shtml.

See you next week!

It’s come to this: even rival, octogenarian owners are cockily dismissive of the Bills. Bud Adams gives the team the finger? What’s next, a Bob Kraft crotch grab? Woody Johnson mooning Dick Jauron? Al Davis directing lit farts toward Ralph Wilson’s luxury suite?

Actually, I can imagine that last one happening. Please be careful, Al: I bet those jump suits are remarkably flammable.

There’s not much else to say about the game or the team. What else can I possibly add that hasn’t been already offered up, or that you haven’t thought of yourself? So, instead, a variety of loosely connected random thoughts, Twitter-style (albeit without the character-count limitation):

• I thought the Bud Adams “Finger Gate” episode was equal parts funny, disturbing and sad. But, I also think he should be fined, heavily – at least $250,000*, and not only because it involved the Bills. Why? For one, he’s an owner, for goodness sake. Second, it was classless. And, three…
• …because the league ridiculously fined Chad Ochocinco $20,000 for attempting to “bribe” a ref with a one-dollar bill. If Commissioner Goodell had an ounce of humor, he would have fined Chad one dollar. If he had an ounce of common sense in this situation, he would have ignored it.
• How about that Bill Belichick? Ballsy call to go for it inside your own 30. Personally, I didn’t like the decision, and wouldn’t have liked it even if it had worked, but I’ve heard Ron Jaworski and others say it was a solid call. At least it was a rare occasion where Coach Bill was thinking strategically, instead of arrogantly. I honestly believe he was scared of giving Manning the ball again, anywhere on the field. Similarly…
• …how about the Jaguars’ Maurice Jones-Drew taking a knee at the one in the midst of a sure-TD rush, to prevent the Jets from getting the ball back – after Coach Ryan clearly instructed his players to let him score? Both were somewhat gutsy calls, although I’m always surprised we don’t see them both more often. Speaking of which…
• …how does a man end up with a hyphenated name? I mean, I can see if you’re an English lord or something. At least London Fletcher-Baker explained his reasoning along the way.
• How cool is it that both the Jets and Pats lost last-second heart breakers? Takes some – just some – of the sting away. Unfortunately, the Fish went the opposite route.
• Entirely unrelated to football – if there’s a championship bout between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio at Yankee Stadium, I’m there. And I don’t even watch boxing anymore.

*After writing this, I learned that Adams was, in fact, fined $250,000 — $125,000 per inflammatory digit. Or perhaps $25,000 for each beer the guy must have downed leading up to this truly bizarre event.

Bob Dylan…Seinfeld’s fourth season…and the Buffalo Bills?

In the mid-1960s, Dylan exploded with a burst of creative output unknown in the rock world before or arguably since. Seinfeld’s fourth season – considered by many to be the best season of the best TV comedy – featured classic half-hours such as The Contest, The Bubble Boy, The Junior Mint and The Virgin.

And the Bills…are in the midst of a historically remarkable run of ugly – and, perhaps worse, boring – football. From Cleveland to the Jets, from Carolina to Houston this past week, this edition of the Bills Make Us Want to Pout in a way that might be incomparable.

How boring are they? To quote Homer (Simpson), “I’ve seen plays that were more exciting than this. Honest to God, plays!” If Hitchcock were directing a Bills documentary, he might call it “Dial D for Dull,” (although, if it were a highlight reel, he might simply go with, “The Byrd.”)

How ugly have these games been? If this were college and you brought the Bills back to your frat or sorority house as part of some mean-spirited looks- or personality-related contest, not only would you win, your friends would STILL kid you about it at reunions 20 years later. The beer goggles that would make this team appealing have yet to be invented.

Remarkably, the team’s gone 2-2 in this four-game stretch, but the fact is that you can’t be so horribly outplayed and outgained week after week and consider the relatively good luck to last. Matt Schaub isn’t Jake Delhomme or Mark Sanchez.

So, where do we stand at mid-season, entering the bye week? As I write this, I see that the Browns have cut ties with their GM, but not their coach. Teams are understandably reluctant to make coaching changes during the season, and I’m largely on board with that. I don’t believe they will find “the” solution mid-season, or that a care-taker coach necessarily accomplishes anything for the team. Besides, our complaints aside, do 3-5 teams really change coaches?

No, what we see is likely what you get the rest of the way. That doesn’t mean there aren’t compelling reasons to stick with the team, especially with arguably winnable games on the horizon: where will the greatest QB controversy since…well, Edwards/Losman…take us? Or does the team choose C; none of the above? How will they creatively integrate two strong RBs into the offense? Or, better put, will they? Will Coach Jauron’s growing tendency toward periodic risk-taking (fake punt in your own zone?) become more pronounced? Will they say the heck with it and start throwing to TO with abandon? Will we sweep the Jets in prime time in Toronto? How many picks will Byrd get? Does he have a chance to actually supplant our punter as our MVP?

And, with AVP not working out as an eye in the sky or on the sidelines, will they try have him call plays from the parking lot, aided by nothing more than the radio broadcast of the game?

Above all…can Calico Jack’s and McFadden’s stock the bar well enough to get everyone through the season? The Tennessee game might be coming up, but our bars’ beer supply versus Bills fans’ need for liquid diversion might be the TRUE Battle of the Titans.

Note to management: a terrific marketing 2010 slogan could be:
“Your Buffalo Bills: Mediocre Since 2006.”

Maybe not. But, it would be truth in advertising.

The remarkable thing is that the recent mediocrity is reflected only by the team’s record: so many things about its performance the past two weeks have been – what’s the technical expression? – “piss poor.”

And yet, they won BOTH games, and I can’t help but be happy about that. Wins always make me happy; but I’ll give them this, they’re testing the outer limits of my capacity to feel that way. The Jets and Panthers games go beyond “winning ugly.” The old expressions are no longer sufficient. We’re talking “winning fugly.” Add the Browns game to the equation, and it’s becoming a way of life, win or lose.

Then again, I actually read a Buffalo News article that referred to this past week as a “signature Dick Jauron victory,” and I don’t think it was written in jest. So, maybe the proper expression is “Winning Jauronly.” Keep it up, coach, and you’ll join the pantheon of Al “Just Win, Baby” Davis and Herm “You Play to Win the Game” Edwards. Of course, you’ll need to jazz up your post-game press conferences a bit.

Has any team ever won successive games while being so dramatically outgained? On the road? I suspect we drugged the other teams’ QBs the past two weeks. And why Carolina handled any number of sequences the way it did – including the final minutes of the first half – I have no idea.

Not long ago, I stumbled across one of those old Bob Hope movies. I’ve never been a Bob Hope fan, but the scene I happened to catch has always made me laugh: for reasons I can’t recall, Bob was hiding in someone’s shower, and the person he was hiding from turned on the shower, not noticing someone was in there. With no place to hide, Bob did something a three-year-old might do while playing hide and seek: he covered his face with his hands, as though by not being able to see the other guy, the other guy would also be unable to see him.

And it worked! the other guy enters this tiny shower stall and never sees Bob, who’s standing behind him, head buried in his hands. It was ludicrous to think that Bob’s hare-brained scheme would actually work, but it did.

It reminds me of our team’s performance these past two weeks. For no rhyme or reason, their hare-brained scheme and faulty execution is getting it done, as if playing in some alternate reality in which you win because you want to, and for no other reason. And now, a .500 record at the halfway mark is fully viable.

It’s all marking time until the inevitable staff changes next year, but you know what? Winning fugly, or Jauronly, beats losing. My advice: modify expectations, enjoy the wins that come our way…and be thankful the league doesn’t award style points.

“It’s just a fantasy…it’s not the real thing.” – Sometimes a Fantasy, by Billy Joel

It seems clear that, for the time being at least, everything will remain the same at One Bills Drive except for the length of the IR list. Renowned nice man Dick Jauron appears here to stay, despite giving Cleveland the distinction of turning in one of the worst winning performances of all time.

But, there’s nothing wrong with a little fantasizing, right? You’ve got to figure none of the Big Names – Cowher, Holmgren, etc. – are coming to the Bills mid season even if we were to look for a new coach. Not to manage someone else’s problem, and without affording themselves the opportunity to field lucrative, competitive offers, possibly from the Cowboys and Redskins among others.

Who WOULD be the likely candidates if the axe fell on our coach? Here’s my quirky, uneducated take on it, with my own unscientific attempt at odds making.

Bobby April or Perry Fewell – ODDS, 9-1
Make a change mid-season, and you’ll probably look in your own house for a temporary replacement. April’s got a great rep, but do you really want to muck up special teams (more than they’ve already been mucked up recently)? Besides, is he ready? Maybe Fewell is more likely.

Marty Schottenheimer – ODDS, 14-1
Marty comes home to where it all began in 1965. He never wins the Big One (sound familiar?) but his teams DO win. He’d be a good influence, and make himself relevant again.

Mike Martz – ODDS, 17-1
I’m not a fan, but imagine what he might do with our offense? I don’t think he and Bobby April are the best of friends, though.

Jeff Jagodzinski – ODDS, 22-1
A former Boston College coach who got canned for having the nerve to interview for an NFL job…which he didn’t even get! Poor guy needs a break, and must have a chip on his shoulder, right?

Jim Fassell, Jim Haslett and Mike Sherman — ODDS, 23-1
All are former candidates for the Bills job, and all are currently employed (two by the UFL, one by Texas A&M. Don’t know what their contract stipulations are regarding the NFL, but like Schottenheimer, it’d be a chance to get back to the mother ship. As it is, I remain convinced Haslett will coach this team one day.

Ralph Wilson – ODDS, 91-1
The odds reflect his age as of October 17. We KNOW Ralph doesn’t fire Jauron because he doesn’t want to pay his salary PLUS another coach’s salary, right? But Ralph would coach for free – great solution. Ted Turner, the former Atlanta Braves owner, once tried to insert himself as manager. The league put the kibosh on that soon enough. I assume the NFL has rules against this, but who bothers with fact checking?

Ian Osterloh – ODDS, 138-1
Who? The doctor who discovered Viagra! Who else would you turn to when your Dick is failing? And if the commercials are to be believed, he’ll get the team to play hard for four hours or more. Rumor has it Eric Wood is especially excited by the prospect.

Thank goodness I got those admittedly unoriginal jokes out of my system before Jauron loses his job….

Buddy Ryan – ODDS, 162-1
Buddy’s only 75. Imagine the kick he’d get out of coaching against his son? Buddy gets the nod here over the Shula boys for his more impressive record, and the fact he punched Kevin Gilbride once.

Irv Weinstein, Rick Azar and Tom Joles – ODDS, 777-1
Maybe coaching the Bills is a three-man job. Who is more beloved in Buffalo or has better chemistry than these three, the longest-tenured anchor team in the history of broadcast news? Irv could rile up the squad against the Parcels Packaged Punks from Miami, Rick actually knows football, and Tom would help Trent Edwards prepare for inclement weather. Unfortunately, Clip Smith is unavailable to join them, believe it or not. (Sorry for the inside jokes if you’re too young to remember these guys, or aren’t from Buffalo! Believe me, they were brilliant.)

The Obama Administration – ODDS, 700 Billion-1
The Bills are in at least as bad shape as the auto industry and banks, right? Ralph gets to sell the team, and the Obama team will promise to turn the team over to a qualified head coach once its back on track, giving the NFL another contending team. Everyone wins here. As a bonus, Coach Hillary gets to add another cap to her collection of Yankees and Cubs hats, and can impart her calve-building techniques to our linemen. But, please, don’t put Obama on the Wall of Fame yet – let him earn it!

Welcome to one of my periodic, “I just can’t take writing about last week’s game” columns, sometimes known as a “Phil’s about to talk about something obscure from a long time ago” column. Because, really, do you need to read more about last Sunday’s game?

Digging through some memorabilia recently, I came across a handful of Bills training camp autographs I got as a little kid circa 1970 and 1972. Yes, they actually played football back then. The helmets weren’t even leather. In my partial defense, I was really young. Of course, that means little when I know many of you weren’t even born yet.

The autographs were each on the back of “Get one free game of bowling” coupons from Frontier Lanes in Lewiston – why my folks had so many of these coupons to spare, I don’t know, but they made the autographs seem even more special because we were giving up a potential savings of 49 cents per autograph, or whatever games cost back then.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to sift through those autographs from Bills old timers – whose squads went 3-10-1 and 4-9-1 – and see what we can learn today about the careers they had. I wondered if I held a batch of autographs from forgotten stars, or forgettable duds. As is usually the case with the Bills, the results are a mixed bag.

Dennis Shaw (Quarterback)
My parents and I spotted him playing catch in the parking lot. This was his third of four years as a Bills QB, and his last as a full-season starter. His first year, 1970, was probably his best – throwing for 2,500+ yards and compiling a QB rating of 65.3. This earned him 1970 offensive rookie of the year honors, making him one of only four quarterbacks (the others being Ben Roethlisberger, Vince Young and Matt Ryan) to win the award. One other note: rather than on the back of a bowling coupon, this autograph was written on one of my dad’s coveted “Jerry Mann – the ‘Mann’ to see’ matchbook covers from his days selling cars at Russo Oldsmobile. They don’t write ad copy like that anymore.

Donnie Green (Offensive Tackle)
I vaguely remember him. A fifth round pick for Buffalo in the 1971 draft out of Purdue, he had a seven-year career; the first five with Buffalo, and then single years with the Eagles and Lions.

Dick Cunningham (Tackle/Linebacker)
I never would have deciphered his autograph if it weren’t for the #63 he kindly included. Out of Arkansas, this was near the end of a six-year career, which concluded in 1973 with 10 games split between the Eagles and Houston Oilers.

Robert James (Defensive Back)
Now we’re talking. Three-time Pro Bowler, two-time first team All-Pro.

Butch Byrd (Defensive Back)
He came out of the Albany area (Watervliet, specifically) and had seven picks his first season. A five-time AFL all-star, he was named to the second team of the AFL’s all-time team. Byrd returned a punt for a TD in the 1965 AFL Championship game.

Reuben Gant (Tight End)
A random autograph that slipped into the pack – Reuben was my favorite Bill when my dad met him in 1980. A fine tight end, except for the fact that he couldn’t actually catch the ball so well. With the Bills from 1974 to 1980.

Willie Grate (Tight End)
Two seasons, both with Buffalo. Caught eight passes.

Jackie Allen (Defensive Back)
Played college ball at Baylor, then for the Raiders, Bills (two seasons) and Eagles. Retired in 1972.

Paul Guidry (Linebacker)
His eight-season career included seven years in Buffalo. I wish I could tell you something else about him.

Marlin Briscoe (Wide Receiver/Quarterback)
You read it right – a combo WR/QB who would have loved today’s wild cat trend/fad, I bet. Spent three years of a seven-year career in Buffalo, almost exclusively at wide receiver. Marlin was an historic figure of sorts: beginning his career in Denver, he became the first black starting QB ever, throwing 14 TDs for the Broncos. Alas, the Bills already had Jack Kemp when he joined the team, so his QB days pretty much ended. Tragically, he became a heavy drug user after his career, despite having become a successful broker of municipal bonds. He auctioned off his 1972 Dolphins Super Bowl ring to pay drug-related debts (apparently, dealers referred to him as “17-and-Oh” in reference to the Fish’s undefeated squad) and eventually went to prison. Today, he runs a Boys and Girls Club, as well as a children’s football camp. Supposedly, a movie about his life is in pre-production.

OJ Simpson (Running Back)
Whereabouts unknown.

Dick Jauron is a smart man. He knows where this is probably headed for him. He probably won’t admit that, even to himself, but he knows.

Jauron would probably know even if he were a dumb man. You don’t hang around the NFL as a coach or coordinator for nearly 25 years without understanding the football adage that, “You’re hired to be fired.” He’s learned that lesson the hard way, and will probably learn it again soon enough. Maybe in January.

As we approach the one-quarter mark of the season – man, the NFL season goes by fast – what have WE learned? Where is this headed from OUR perspective?

I believe we’ve learned – or confirmed – that Freddy Jackson is starting-back quality; he and Marshawn are going to be called on a LOT if our pass “attack” remains the same as we’ve seen thus far (more on that in a moment). Our O-Line is probably better than we had any reason to expect; no one is going to confuse it for the 1980s Redskins’ Hogs line, but it could have been a disaster. Our defense is pretty good, but stretched and still porous in crucial moments. I remain a believer in the team’s special teams…although, what’s up with Roscoe Parrish?

More importantly…what the heck is up with our passing game?

I still think there’s a lot to like about Trent Edwards. We’ll find out in a few weeks if he’s truly a fair-weather quarterback, or if he can still make something happen once the thermometer dips below 40. But, the lack of production from both Lee Evans and that other lead receiver is almost unbelievable. Even more unbelievable is how little these guys are even getting the ball.

Is it Edwards’ fault? Does he bail out too soon in favor of secondary targets, hence the dreaded nickname of Captain Checkdown? I’m hardly an X’s and O’s guy which is why I don’t tend to comment on it, but it strikes me that Edwards stands firm in the pocket, taking some pretty hard hits along the way. Does that sound like someone who is incessantly bailing out? Even if he is, is it unreasonable to believe the general game-directive comes from elsewhere?

Is the problem AVP’s schemes? Or, is AVP going conservative because he sees limitations in Edwards and the O-Line?

Regardless, it all comes back to Jauron, who seems content for his team to take little risk on offense yet significant risk on special teams. It smacks of either lack of confidence, or desperation.

But, again, not desperate enough to take offensive risks when, in reality, the risk really ISN’T a risk. Punting late in a two-possession game against an explosive New Orleans offense that seemed to have finally figured you out? To me, that isn’t risk-averse; that’s bad decision-making.

The Dolphins’ game is legitimately important. After Sunday, the Bills will either be a .500 team which finally defeated a division foe…or a 1-3 last place team on the verge of a serious downward spiral. Personally, I believe the Bills will prove to be a team that generally beats the teams it should beat (which is what 7-9 teams tend to do, I’d guess). That bodes well, as a number of lesser opponents are on the horizon. They should beat the Pennington-less Fish…unless Chad Henne proves to be a second-coming of Tom Brady. That’d be ironic – it seems the Bills and Dolphins have searched for their Next Big QB for longer than anyone – let’s hope the Fish don’t find theirs against the Bills.

Yes, Dick Jauron is a smart man. Smart enough to know what he’s in for if his team loses to the Dolphins this week. Even a run of victories against half-baked opponents won’t be enough to stave off the inevitable. The Bills need to start beating the occasional “good” team and divisional opponents, starting this Sunday.